Home Coming
by Kandros Fir
Summary: A Fire Nation soldier returns home and finds that it is difficult to readjust. Of course having no other skills than fire bending and widespread discrimination against veterans of the hundred years war doesn't help. Feeling alienated and cut off from his nation, Ryuu is haplessly swept up in a conspiracy to topple the throne and restart the Hundred Years War.
1. Home Coming

Note: rewrote this in 1st person because that's all I seem to be good at.

When my father and his friends had come home from the war there had been parades and cheering. The whole village had come to celebrate the return of the heroes.

Now I am returning home and my village simply stares at me in hostile silence. This confuses me. Why do they look upon me as the enemy? I had served honorably as a fire nation soldier, and while it wasn't the profession I would have chosen for myself, I acquitted myself wonderfully on the battlefield, and had been at the front lines when the great walled city of Konkoku, second only to Ba Sing Se, had fallen. But these stares make me feel as if I had done something dishonorable.

I simply stand taller in the face of all those stares and berated myself for my reaction. So what if my village didn't understand what I did? I hadn't done anything wrong. I was simply serving my country in any way it needed me. There is no reason to feel ashamed.

But still, I can't help remember the offer that my superior made me as the Firelord ordered the army to demobilize; my superior was planning on going into business and wanted someone he could trust to help with it and invest some funds into it.

I then see my mother in the middle of the crowd waiting for me. She is the reason I turned down that offer. I have had a close relationship with her ever since my father had been drafted into the army when I was four. She had been alone in raising me and we became extremely close then. There were times when I had even forgotten I had a father. Then my father died soon after being discharged from an old war wound, and I had to take care of my mother this time.

I barely restrain the urge to run to her and bury myself in her arms. I am an adult now, no longer that little boy whose whole world was his mother. But I could not stop my pace from quickening as I walked towards her. As she got closer I notice her give me a troubled smile, as if she wasn't sure of how she felt about me coming back and I felt the desire for a hug vanish and instead felt like getting on my knees and sobbing right there.

I didn't of course, I simply slow down and when I reached my mother I greet her in a cool voice, "Hello mother, I hope you are doing well," a far cry from the warmth and security I had hoped would be in our reunion.

She greets me back, saying, "Welcome home Ryuu."

As far as I am concerned, no statement could be farther from the truth. I shouldn't have come back. This place is no longer my home. The war made sure of that.


	2. A New Life

It has been two months since I have come home, two years since the war has ended and only half a year since the establishment of Republic city. I am miserable. I no longer fit into my village. Whenever anyone asks about the war, it is only to inquire about the war crimes that have come to light, the torture of prisoners by fire nation soldiers or the burning any earth kingdom soldiers who surrender.

Whenever I try to explain to my village that I wasn't behind any of that, that I tried to fight an honorable war as far as I could, they don't seem to believe me. No one is interested in my war stories, or even asks about how I am doing.

My mother has seemed to accept me back, but her response to the war is that it is over, no need to discuss it. I'm not sure which attitude was worse. Still she's there for me, and though she will never understand, and though she doesn't want to talk about the war, she's there, and I appreciate that. In the end she's the only one who is.

For me the war would never be over. I had suffered many wounds in the course of battle. I had received a good solid spear through the gut by an earth kingdom soldier and wouldn't have survived if one of my friends who had been drafted along with me hadn't cauterized the wound. I still had the scar. I had been there at the disastrous siege of the North Pole and barely survived the rampage of whatever the hell that thing the Avatar had become through the skin of my teeth. Many of my comrades had not been so lucky.

I still bear some mental scars that might not heal. I can't stand the sea. The sight of it reminds me of the Avatar influenced waves which swamped my ship and threw my comrades and I off. Some didn't come back. And gods forbid I actually board an actual vessel. Those are only the most obvious ones. I can feel that in some profound way, I have changed. I no longer feel as much of a connection to the town as I used to. It is a community I inhabit, not one I belong to.

Of course the new Fire Lord isn't helping either. Though he does not mention any names, nor does he call the soldiers monsters, his disapproval of the war turns public sentiment against it. The fire lord mentions the hardship brought about by high taxes that financed the war, along with factories polluting rivers and starving villages and war crimes in the Earth Kingdom. And as public sentiment turns against the war, it also turns against the army that fought it.

Employers quite often reject the applications of veterans and many of those who came home find it difficult to apply for any aid. I have been unsuccessful in job hunting and the last of my pension I had been granted when discharged was dwindling. In desperate financial straits, I turn to wood carving, if no one will hire me, I will just become my own boss.

My first attempts are laughable but I continue on whittling, for I have nothing else. Slowly, little by little, propelled by the force of necessity I improve. By the time six months has passed my fear of people has subsided to a tolerable level and I'm skilled enough, so I can sell my carvings to tourists who come to the village to see how the bumpkins live. I find it easy to hide the fact that I was a soldier. A simple change into the traditional dress of my village and growing my hair out long hides the fact I was ever in the army, for I have no visible scars on his face and I don't look like a military man.

I try to tell myself that I am very lucky, but I cannot help but feel a hollow pang in my chest every time I see my uniform, still a crisp red color like leaves in the fall, tucked in neatly, still in my size, and whenever I stare in the mirror I see a long haired stranger staring back. I never grow used to these moments and I call them the attrition of daily life, as they kill a small piece of me each time.


	3. an omen of a Changing Wind

Thanks to Bean, I've realized my grammatical errors, so I've fixed up the tenses and POV and added commas where they need to go. Hopefully I have caught everything. If not, please would someone let me know?

My first omen of a changing world blew in with the autumn breeze like a fart leaving behind a transient but lingering odor, or so I thought.

It is a regular day. I am not too busy as I lounge in front of the only inn in town hoping for better sales. I know I am not going to get much business as the roads had recently been washed out by a flood; thus, halting the small flow of travelers that kept my business barely afloat, but, I get out and try to sell my wares anyways since living expenses don't disappear with misfortune. Then mid-day a stranger in a black cloak approaches me.

"Hello," he says, "I see that you are a wood carver. Could you tell me your prices?"

I am a little surprised at first. Generally I go to the customers, the customers don't come to me. I recover fast though and took out my wares from the bag I store them in, and lay them out for perusal.

"Everything you see here is five copper pieces. If you have a certain item you want in mind, I can create it for you too, but I will need 10 copper pieces."

The stranger then says with a strange warmth in his voice, "Well, I have something I want in mind. Why don't we head over to that inn to discuss it over a drink? We have many things to discuss old friend."

The stranger then lifts his hood above his head to reveal Aoi, a friend of mine back from when I was in the army. We were very different in that Aoi had enlisted while I had been drafted, Aoi came from a long line of soldiers, my family were fishermen, and only my father had ever gone into the military before me. When I had stumbled into boot camp it was Aoi who helped me survive. After the war though we had lost touch with each other.

I am not sure why he is here, and I have no interest in finding out. He is a reminder that I bear the sin of being a part of Ozai's army. Still, a part of me feels I owe him too much to simply slam the door in his face.

"Come back here at six," I tell him, "Then we can talk." He doesn't seem to notice the tension in my voice.

I come back to the inn at six, wearing my best clothes, a garment blue as the ocean and made of rough spun cotton. Aoi wears the traditional army uniform. The entire tavern is whispering around us, some people pointing.

"Quite an explosive uniform you've chosen to put on," I said, "Care to wear a less incendiary dress?"

"Why? I served in in the army after all. You did too. There's nothing to be ashamed of in wearing it. But that isn't what I'm here to talk about. How have you been Ryuu? It's been two and a half years since we've last met. You must have some tales."

"I've been good. I've become my own boss. No more commanders telling me what to do."

Yeah, I thought, life was pretty good.

"Well that isn't exactly true is it? Your new boss is the free market. You live and die on whether people want to buy your stuff."

"Why you gotta go around being a kill joy? How about you, how have you been doing?"

"Not that badly. I decided to sink my pension into a business venture. It really amazes how much technology has boomed since I left home. There are so many gadgets I never dreamed could exist."

"I know. The world sure is changing isn't it? In this village, some entrepreneurs came with their new boats about a year ago, and now everyone wants one. Jeremiah has managed to make a fortune off of his."

"Sounds like you're enjoying your new life."

"Yeah, I mean it isn't perfect, but I get by just fine. Enough people come and go to make business worthwhile; plus, I am apparently artistic and imaginative."

I am getting into the swing of the conversation as we talk about what we are doing and how things had changed, trying to make my happiness and contentment more real by deceiving someone else, because the reality men project to others becomes the dominant reality. We even laugh at some of the new obsessions that had popped up like Toph facts, and "twerking". It even reminded me of the good old days when Aoi and I shared a tent, and he would do an impression of whatever officer we hated the most at the moment. Back in the good old days. Back. Back. No need to go back I think. Look forward in the future. Forward to Aoi sitting there, looking at me with concern.

"Are you okay," he asks with concern.

"Yeah," I say, "just lost in thought."

He then completely surprises me when he lifts his mug of ale to take a long, slow and loud sip, and say, "Say, do you ever miss the army?"

"To be honest, I try to remember it as little as possible."

"I do. Miss the army I mean."

Damn it! I feel like my mask is peeling away, ripping my skin off with it, exposing my muscles and blood. Because the truth is I am incomplete. Without the army my identity is half formed. But I must resist I thought. I must struggle against the truth and lie to myself, and lie to the world that I am whole and okay. Besides it isn't a complete lie. I have carved out an identity in my village. I am Ryuu the wood carving seller. I am imaginative, and my work is often bought by couples as presents for each other.

"Well suit yourself, I am perfectly happy," I say. And sometimes I almost believe it. On hot summer days when I have a cool cock tail in my hands, and I am relaxing in a nearby river I look to the summer sky at the clouds drifting lazily and I believe myself to be happy. It's a fleeting feeling, but it's enough isn't it?

"Really," Aoi asks, his eyebrows raised, "Can you truly say from the bottom of your heart that you're happy with your life?"

I open my mouth to repeat the lie, but instead say, "I'm mostly content, can't that be good enough? Why must you reopen old wounds?"

"Look Ryuu, you'll never be happy, until you can look back at your time in the army without regret."

"How can I not regret my time in the army? We're one of the most hated groups in the Fire Nation! Even today, do you know what they teach children? We're one step away from being storybook monsters that eat princesses!"

"That's why I'm creating a veteran's club."

I can only stare at him dumbly.

"A veteran's club? You mean like Ozai's Ronins?"

Ozai's Ronins are a group of veterans who could not accept the changes brought on by the end of the hundred year's war, feeling that they had been betrayed by their country and the Fire Lord. They went around distributing pamphlets, baking cookies, establishing charitable organizations…well no, actually they're terrorists, or as they call it, waging war against traitors. This includes assassinating veterans who try to integrate with the changing society, and burning villages of innocents who they accuse of skimping on their duty to provide to the army. They are the main contributors of the continuing antagonism between veterans and civilians in the Fire Nation.

"How could think so low of me? Of course not. I want a place where veterans can gather, meet and share experiences. I want us veterans to stick together, and remember the old days without shame."

"Listen Aoi, I know you have noble purposes, but this won't help anyone. It will probably just remind us veterans that we are alone. It is best just to forget."

"But I can't forget. Let me tell you something Ryuu. My father was recently hanged for war crimes. You know what the crazy thing is? His unit had the highest rate of punishment for war crimes. My father tried everything he could to restrain his troops, the judge still hanged him because war crimes still happened under his watch. The judge claimed that the commander is completely responsible for everything that his unit does. What a bogus notion of responsibility. Under that definition all commanders from the war should have been hanged. I can't stand it anymore! I mean, the army has its share of blame no doubt, but we soldiers bear the greatest burden of blame for a war we didn't even start. It was the Fire Nation industrialists and merchants who wanted the raw materials from the colonies, not the soldiers. It was the Fire Nation elite who plotted the air bender genocide, not the soldiers. It was our teachers who taught us war was good. Why are we only to blame? We are the scape goats for the Fire Nation, and I cannot stand it! I need to do something, or I couldn't live with myself. The words I never said, the loneliness, the silence, it is drowning me. Please Ryuu, join me in making this organization. Come to the capital with me."

He is begging me now, and I can see how long it has eaten away at him, but I have spent so long carving a place for myself in the village. It isn't like I can stop now.

"I'm sorry," I simply say, "But can you please leave? You're making harder for me to be content with what I have."

Aoi looks at me sadly, and takes out a black business card with an address printed upon it. He says, "I understand completely. As for me, there is a fire burning in my soul and it is bringing me out of the dark. I believe there is one in you too. If you ever change your mind, this is the address."

As he leaves I try to justify the decision to myself. I don't need this club. It's a big change I think, going to the capital. I have a good job. I'm lucky, it could be worse. I should be smiling. I should smile. Smile, because I'm alive and a lot of my comrades aren't. Smile because I wasn't buried alive by earth kingdom soldiers like so many of my comrades had been after they were captured in a raid. Smile because my mind was functional unlike those who had been captured outside of Ba Sing Se and taken to the Dai Lee, their minds wiped, their eyes staring blankly into space. Smile like those badly wounded soldiers that the surgeons put on anesthetic so their body parts could be amputated. Smile. Smile. Smile.


	4. Why I stay and Why I leave

A/N: I have just had the entire school week off, so here's a new chapter for you. I'm convinced that this is God's message telling me to get off my lazy but and write, so I will.

Ever since Aoi's visit, I've been having the same nightmare over and over again. In this dream I am dressed in my militarily uniform. I stand in front of a faceless judge. All around me in the witness stands are my dead comrades appearing as they had in death.

"For the crime of abandoning his fallen comrades, the defendant Ryuu has been proclaimed guilty," the judge announces, "his punishment shall be death!"

My fallen comrades shamble towards to me, asking, "Why have you forgotten us? Weren't we your friends?"

I see Mako with a misshapen head. He must have dashed his brains on a rock after being flinged off his ship by the Avatar. I see Daichi bleeding from his chest, a result of an ambush set by earth benders, and a rock that flew in at just the right angle. Then there is commander Aizen crawling, pulling himself with his hands as his legs were blown off due to a mishap with artillery during the siege of Kankoku.

"I can't forget," I scream, "That is why I suffer so much!"

They do not listen and I am buried beneath their bodies, only to wake up from my nightmare, sweating and breathing heavily. I can no longer lie to myself. Denial is not working; still, I stay. An honest answer of why is difficult for me to articulate. It requires a stripping away of the self-deceptions that sustain me. I believe that on some level I felt that this was still my home, and that if I suffered enough I would be redeemed for being drafted into army. I believed that there was no other place for me, no other choice, but to accept my suffering and my redemption. When a new place where I can potentially find happiness did appear, I had already suffered so much, that to quit is a daunting prospect. And it is a cornerstone of human nature that people are resistant to change. Inertia applies just as neatly to people as it does to objects. Men do not act without an outside force. And that is why I stay.

My outside force comes soon enough. It is October and the red autumn leaves dance in the air, sparks of fire gathering together to create a great blaze. That's not metaphorical either. The village is burning. Ozai's Ronins swooped in during the middle of the night, proclaiming this village to be one of traitors for accepting the false lord's rule. Then they torched my house, and they went on to burn more houses and the police station before disappearing from sight.

This is not an uncommon occurrence in rural areas. Ozai's Ronins are a numerous group. As many as ten percent of veterans have joined them. No local police station has the numbers to deal with their attacks. Many have tried to set up traps with police stations of other villages and towns, but the Ronins always seem to know when these coalitions happen and avoid them. There are whispers of corruption among the police, covering up evidence and silencing witnesses. It is clear to all that Ozai's Ronin are not only numerous but also wealthy and powerful.

I am not thinking of this when I watch the town burn though. I can only stare in dumb disbelief, too much in shock to do anything besides survive. The flames flicker and devour the village as people stream out like ants scurrying from the destruction of an anthill.

The people form into fire brigades and began trying to put out the fire. I join in even though I feel it to be a futile effort. Too many buildings are on fire. The fire will likely stop when it has run out of fuel, not because of our efforts. But I am a resident of this village too, and I have carved out a place for myself here. It might not be my home, but it is the closest thing I have to one.

The Fire roars, a great beast trying to devour me alive. It sounds like the constant pounding of the artillery during the siege of Kankoku, and the heat, the oppressive heat! It feels the same as the heat in the trenches I hunched in, spear in hand, ready to defend the line from desperate Earth kingdom charges seeking to break through the defensive lines. As the feeling gets harder and harder to ignore, I panic. My breathing grows ragged and shallower. My head swims and I feel myself blanking out.

"Not now," I whisper in a panicky way, "You didn't panic this much in the actual siege."

I have never felt so helpless. It is the first time that I realize I am not okay. Or rather, the first I realize just how not okay I am. I mean I haven't been able to stand the sea ever since the North Pole, nor have I been able to sleep in the dark, but this is the first time I've shut down like this. Being a veteran means not being okay, but I thought mine was under control.

I shut down, and when I come to, the fire is over. The villagers gather in the village square. This is what the village always does after there is a disaster. It gives everyone a chance to assess the damage that has been done, lick their wounds, and mourn for what has been lost. There is something dangerous in the air this time around. A spark, an ember ready to burn brighter.

"Aren't these Ronins veterans," the villagers whisper, "And don't we have a veteran among us?"

A thousand sparks of grief ignite to form a thousand embers of anger. My mother places a hand on my shoulder and says, "No one blames you Ryuu. These folks are just sick with grief. It will pass."

But I know better. Had someone demanded my blood in earnest, had someone coalesced these embers of anger into a mighty blaze of hatred, the flames would have become my pyre. I realize then that any redemption I imagined was just that in my imagination. I would never be forgiven, and truthfully, there was a part of my soul that was glad to be free of the burden.

I was, no am part of the army. I will not deny it has its sins to bear. But the army has its virtues and the men whom I fought I with, I will never dishonor their memory by being anything other than proud of serving with them. I resolve to pack what little I own and make my way to Aoi's new club. I have no idea if this is the right answer. Will this club truly bring me happiness? I doubt it. But I no longer want to deny myself. And I believe from the bottom of my heart, that this will be the first step to something better. I am no longer content to be a passive force in the world. And that is why I leave.

A/N: It's weird, I respect myself less and less as a writer the more I write, but the more I write, the greater my pathological need to write. Please read and review. Please give me an honest opinion of what you guys think. Love it, hate it, think it should be discontinued. Is it unoriginal? Are my characters unlikable and irredeemable? I tried to establish Ryuu as the kind of character ruled by inertia. He is passive and will rarely do much without an external shove. It's part of his trauma as a soldier.


	5. In the Big City

I stride through the doors of Aoi's club, a triumphant symphony playing in the back ground as the wind mysteriously blows my hair in a cool way, after having impressed the pants of the girls in the capitol, well no that's just stupid. Actually I'm lost. Aoi only left me his address, and not any directions of any kind, so currently I'm stumbling through the city trying not to look like a country bumpkin. I would ask for directions, but no one is giving me the time of the day. Then the heavens send me a sign. Quite literally. I bump into the street sign announcing my street. One point for the wandering around aimlessly method of finding places.

After some street searching, I come across the club. The building is huge, roughly the same dimensions as a pro bending arena. The mahogany doors tower above me, standing like sentinels to another world. On them is inscribed the words "Veteran's Club". The simple gold words float on the wood, blazing out against the back drop, like Sozin's Comet had blazed across the sky…

Oops, probably shouldn't think about that. For now, the less said about the army the better. I raise my hand to knock on the door but I am seized by a bout of hesitation. There's a lot I don't know, and there's no guarantee this will be worthwhile.

I laugh. Since when has there been any guarantees in life? I thought I had been guaranteed a place to call home but that obviously isn't true. Still, I have little money, and I don't have a place to stay. I didn't really think things through when coming here. All I have is the pack I'm carrying with some food, some money, a change of clothes and my wood carving tools.

Before I can knock on the door, Aoi opens it and comes out of the club alone.

"Hey Ryuu", he says to me, staring at me with his mouth open to form a question, and I can tell he doesn't know where to begin.

"Hey, Aoi. How about you take me out for dinner? I've just come to the city, the sun's setting and I'm starving."

"Sure," Aoi says recovering from his shock, "I know this great place. Follow me."

Great, I thought, free dinner. I am getting better at cost cutting. As we walk, Aoi says, "I always knew you would come, but I never expected you to come around this quickly."

"It wasn't a totally natural decision. Ozai's Ronin burned my village down, and I realized then that I didn't belong there anymore and hadn't since the war ended."

"I'm sorry," Aoi says sadly, and I can feel his sincerity.

"Why? It's not like it's your fault. Life just sucks that way."

"I know", he says, "But you deserve better."

"And so do you, and so do a lot of people. The best we can do is stumble around blindly and hope we receive a fraction of what we deserve."

"I suppose so", he says, and then the conversation is cut mercifully short by our arrival at _The Pink Flamingo _the restaurant that Aoi had recommended to me.

It's a fancy place. The floor is made of marble and the table cloth is honest to the gods satin, while the handkerchiefs are made of the finest silks. I am so intimidated by the ambience of this place that I don't even want to order, afraid of marring the perfection this place obviously strives for.

The waiter who comes to serve us wears a uniform of clean crisp corduroy, his jet black hair swept to one side, his mustache set immaculately. He's better dressed than I am.

"Your orders, sirs?"

Aoi looks up and says, "We would like the special shrimp."

"That would be four silver for the both of you. Would you like anything else?"

"Just some water please."

"Of course sir."

I turn to Aoi and whisper, "Why did you bring me to such a fancy place? This is way too expensive!"

"Relax, this is a special occasion, and I can afford it. Remember, I sunk my pension into a successful business venture?"

The waiter soon came back with a large glass of water and two straws. I am puzzled by this. A restaurant so obviously catering to the wealthy should be able to afford another glass. I ask Aoi about this.

"Oh, he probably assumes we're shagging. This restaurant has become a stopping place for a lot of wealthy young men who swing that way. The owner himself intended it that way I believe, since he himself is attracted to the male gender."

I take this in stride, like I take everything in stride. The army tends to do that to a person.

"Well, surely he realizes I would never lower my tastes so much as to go out with you."

"Don't you mean the other way around", Aoi teases back, "After all I'm the dashing rich entrepreneur while you're the poor vagabond."

"Haven't you learned anything by now? Appearances can be deceiving."

It is a harmless misunderstanding not worth getting upset over, and I'm not opposed to the gay pride movement like some members of my nation are. Honestly it isn't the end of the world. The movement just wanted to be a part of the better Fire Nation that Zuko promised in his inauguration speech, and didn't seem to realize that he's a smarmy politician who's words are worthless as shit. Well worth less than shit, because at least shit has some uses, though I suppose though that he did decriminalize homosexuality. Which lead to homosexuality being labelled as a mental disease rather than a crime, and a bunch of quack "doctors" have popped up all over the place claiming they can "cure" the disease, so not a lot of improvement there.

I turn my thoughts from the gay pride movement and tease Aoi instead, "You know, I wonder what your fiancé would think of this misunderstanding?"

I remember that back when we were in the army Aoi wrote sappy love poems addressed to Aiko that I teased him endlessly for. He always claimed that she was his fiancé and the most perfect woman in the world and that they were going to get married someday.

There's a flash of pain on his face, and I realize several things at once. There's no ring on his finger, neither an engagement ring, nor a wedding ring. He never spoke of his fiancé during our conversation at the inn. I put two and two together.

"Shoot! I'm sorry", I apologize.

"Don't be. It was a mutual decision. We found that after I returned from the war we had drifted apart. It was best for both of us."

Thankfully we are saved from falling into awkward silence by the arrival of the shrimp. There isn't a lot but it is good. We eat in silence for the most part, our only sound the burp we let out at the end of the meal.

As we leave, I turn to Aoi and say, "Thanks for the meal. It was really good."

It's night now. The perpetual smog of the Capitol acts as a grey filter for the stars, and compared to the country they seem sickly and weak. I suppose that is the price the city pays for its greatness. I wonder what price I'm going to have to pay for my shelter. Whatever it is, it's going to make my wallet sad.

Aoi asks me, "Wait, do you have a place to stay?"

"Not yet," I say, "I need to find a hotel to stay the night, and then I'm going to go apartment hunting."

"Wait, you showed up here without any plan at all?"

"It wasn't exactly a planned trip."

"Well, as the person responsible for bringing you here, I offer you my home, until you get set up."

"You know, going on dates together, living together, no wonder people think we're a couple," I put in one last parting tease.

"I'll take that as a thank you."

He brings me back to the club and opens the door.

He ushers me to the back of the club and up a flight of stairs, until we reach the door to his bedroom.

"Welcome to my humble adobe," he says as he opens the door to reveal a sparsely decorated room with a bunk bed. There is a doll on the top bunk and a diary sitting on desk which also held a dimly lit candle. On the sides is a door which I assume leads to the bathroom. I look at Aoi, and I have a bunch of questions, but I blurt out the most important one, "Why a doll?"

Aoi looks a little ashamed and says, "Ever since the war, I can't sleep alone. I'm too afraid if I don't go to sleep holding something tangible okay? It's like somehow something warm next to me assures me I'm not alone. I mean before my father filled that role, but he's …"

Aoi manages to choke out after a long pause, "he's dead, so this is the next best thing."

As he tells me this, I feel shame wash over me like piss washes over a soldier during his first battle. Aoi had come for me when I needed him, but I had never thought of being there for him.

Aoi pauses and watches me. I know he searching my eyes for judgement, but I have none to give. I understand the need to feel not alone. Then possessed by the tender feeling of empathy, I tell him, "You know Aoi, you can hold my hand while going to sleep."

Then I dump my knapsack on the floor, jump on the bottom bunk bed and hold my hand up.

"I mean I don't know how comfortable this is for you, but the offer is there."

And so Aoi climbed nimbly to the top bunkbed flopped like a fish and took up my offer of a hand. And so I tried drifting off to sleep, aware only of the warmth radiating from Aoi's outstretched hand.

As I approach that state of semiconciousness I hear Aoi murmur, "Ryuu"

"Yes Aoi," I whisper back, a little annoyed.

"I'm wondering if this club is just me running away from my father's death. That is why I moved into this club after all. Am I really just being a coward?"

So what if you're running away? Is that really such a bad thing? Everyone who's going to come here is running away. I am running away. We need a place of refuge, and you're supplying that. So what if you're using it for yourself too? I mean, as commander Aizen would say, 'There's a reason retreat is an order."

He looks at me with such grateful eyes when I say that, and I know I have said the right thing.

"Thank you," he whispers.

"No, thank you," I say, "You are amazing Aoi. I hope you realize that. And I also hope you realize that if you wake me up again I'll be obliged to hurt you."

And so once again we drift off to sleep. As the candle light basks the room in its comforting glow, I marvel at how little the gap of years has had on our friendship. Today had felt like slipping back into a routine as natural as breathing. It's because we are similar I conclude. We are both tired and lonely and we're trying to find our place in the world, and we have both suffered similar losses. I want to find my place in the world with Aoi. IOr rather, I feel that my place is with him. I need him, and I feel that he needs me too

I vow to myself this. Inertia shall no longer rule me. I will be an active participant in the world. I might not be able to change anything, but I will try.

A/N: So what do you think? Just playing up the soldier's bonding time, and reinforcing Ryuu's new mentality to the world. He's no longer going to be a spectator, he's going to make the most of life. Of course, I'm never going to make things easy for my characters.


End file.
